How to Pee in the Woods: A Quick Tutorial for Girls

I used to assume that all girls who did outdoor things were comfortable peeing in the outdoors.

That was, however, until I went camping with my good friend Natalie.

We were hanging out around the fire in Algonquin Park when Natalie excused herself to go pee.  When 10 minutes had gone by and she still hadn’t returned I started to get worried she might have fallen down a hill or something.  A few minutes later I was ready to go on a rescue mission for her when she finally emerged from the pines.  Natalie calmly explained that it always took her a while to pee in the woods because she had to get her shoes off, then take her pants and underwear off.

I was shocked.  “Why do you take your pants off?”

She seem surprised:  “So I dont pee on my clothes.  Don’t you take your pants off?”

This post is a quick tutorial dedicated to Natalie and all of the other Natalie’s out there to help you avoid peeing on yourself while at the same time keeping your pants on!

HOW TO PEE IN THE WOODS (and not on yourself) IN 4 EASY STEPS:

STEP 1:  FIND A GOOD SPOT

Try to pee downhill.

If you are peeing on a hill, escarpment or side of a mountain, always position yourself facing downward.  Even if you are on  flat ground, you can  usually find holes,  dips and valleys to position yourself near.  If you pee uphill or onto a rounded mound of dirt, the pee will make a stream that somehow will always head right for your feet.

Find an area clear of obstacles.

Imagine holding a spoon under a running water: The water hits it and sprays where the spoon is pointing.  This is exactly what will happen when your pee hits the leaf of the bush you are squatting behind.   And again, somehow the leaf is always positioned to splash your stream back towards you or your feet.  Before you start to pee, look and make sure you are aiming onto the ground and not onto concave objects.

You don’t have to go so far away.

Yes, squatting with your butt hanging out is not the most flattering position to be seen in.  But finding that perfect, ultra-private, super secluded spot is not worth falling off a cliff or getting lost in the woods over.  Don’t be embarrassed! Most guys will barely walk 5 feet away from you to pee so why are you hiking a mile?  To get some privacy,  you don’t have to walk completely out of sight, you just need to block the line of sight from your butt.  Big rocks, bushes or wide trees work well.  Or just ask your companions to turn around for a moment.  For  technical details on how far away from rivers, etc to pee check out:  http://www.backpacker.com/gear/ask_kristin/193.

PLEASE don’t pee…

  • on hiking trails
  • at the base of rock climbs
  • on campsites
  • in caves

STEP 2: GET YOUR CLOTHES OUT OF THE WAY

Pull your pants and underwear down so that when you squat they sit around mid-thighs to knees. It is harder for the stream to clear your pants if they are around your ankles and you are more vulnerable to tripping and losing your balance.  Also, the further down you pull your pants, the more fussing it takes to pull them back up and the longer your butt will be exposed.

After you squat (see below), put one hand between your legs and grab the underwear and pants that are there (in the line of fire).  Pull them up toward your belly button and out of the way!  This leaves one hand free to hold on to something for balance or for quick wiping.

STEP 3:  THE SQUAT

Get into a wide stance for balance (and gets your feet out of the way).  Squat down as low as you can, like you are sitting into a chair.  Squatting down low is better than “hovering” your bum in the air (like over a dirty toilet seat) as it allows your pelvic floor muscles to relax fully so your bladder can empty completely. You can use your elbows on  your upper thighs for support if this this hard to hold.   AIM (yes, you too can aim)  your stream by tipping your pelvis down or up.

STEP 4:  THE SHAKE

After you are done, wave your hips a little in the air to shake any lingering drops off.  I don’t like carrying toilet paper into the woods, so I take a few seconds like this to “air dry.”  I highly recommend this method.  If you prefer to use toilet paper, please please please  pack it out with you.

 

For any rock climber girls out there, check out Steph Davis’ blog post How to Pee in a Harness Not on it at:

http://www.highinfatuation.com/blog/how-to-pee-in-a-harness-not-on-it

First World Problems for Female Rock Climbers

  • Finding shirts that fit shoulders/back muscles
  • People wondering if bruises on legs are from abusive boyfriend
  • Too many sports bras
  • Climbing partner thinks this actually is a date
  • Nail polish
  • Are you spotting me or just touching my butt?
  • Finding a “female” harness with big/many gear loops for trad
  • Those looks you get from your mom when you tell her what your vacation plans are
  • Hiking into the sketchiest areas, sometimes through thigh high snow, just to find a place where no one can see you pee
  • Finding small sized gear… in stock
  • Finding technical clothes that dont have flowers, butterflies or swirly patterns on them
  • Prefer to date a climber.  Don’t want to date in circle of friends…. forever alone.
  • Have to pee on a multi-pitch climb
  • Hair caught in rappel device.  Hair in face during crux.  (aka always have to have hair in ponytail)
  • Guy repeats hard boulder problem?  Rad.  Girl repeats hard boulder problem?  Downgrade it.

0020